Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
