sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
