I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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