I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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