just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
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