It was confusing and full of hummus
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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