where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize