if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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