ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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