can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
