I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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