hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
is that a dick in a sweater?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
