I threw up into my coffee this morning.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
