You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
