you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
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