If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
