did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
