is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
