Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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