oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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