Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
