I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize