The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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