I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
