the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
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