theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
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