my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I didn't notice because vodka
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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