Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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