Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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