i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
