i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
