Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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