I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize