when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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