I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize