i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
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