saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
A bitchslap is in order.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
