i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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