apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
