How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
