the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
My penis needs a shock collar
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
