Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize