you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
