i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I want to be your penis for a week.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
