don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
