Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
