I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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