Umm I'm too high to move.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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