Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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