She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Randomize
