Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
