I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
