i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
