Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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