New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Randomize
