but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
