dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
