I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
