12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
