I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
