I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
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