Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
