I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
